By The Time You Read This (1/8)

[enochiansigils]

Title: By The Time You Read This
Author: enochiansigils and not_from_stars
Artist: weaselett
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Hilary Becker/Abby Maitland/Stephen Hart, James Lester, Jenny Lewis, Danny Quinn,
Rating/Category: PG-13
Summary: Abby had thought that after they came back from the anomaly, that the three of them could make a go of a relationship together. However, when Stephen and Becker fall into a pattern of doing nothing but fighting, it leads her to believe that they don't even care about her any longer. She leaves them a letter to say goodbye and disappears. Now, Stephen and Becker have to find a way to heal their old hurts between them in order to find Abby and convince her that they want to make a life together.
Warnings: This is a sequel to our casestory fic, From Where We're Standing, but can also be a stand alone story.
Words: 33,849
Notes: Written for au_bigbang 2011. Thank you very much to weaselett for the wonderful art that she made for us! We've loved writing this story and have very much enjoyed taking part in the challenge this year.








As you have both no doubt noticed, I didn't put your names at the beginning of this. I realized that no matter how I addressed it, one of you would be hurt and foolishly think that I preferred one over the other. No matter what I do or say, the two of you don't or won't believe me when I say that I love you both equally. Neither one of you have a bigger claim on my heart -- not you, Stephen, whom I fell in love with first, and not you, Hilary, whom I was with first. What's almost worse? I don't know any longer whether the two of you even love me or are just holding on to me because you're so involved in your posturing that you don't want to let me go and run the risk of me being with the other one. Where does your competition end and your love for me begin? Am I even in the equation any longer?

Do you guys ever think of me as the one that you love and who loves you both, or have those feelings been lost in the constant desire to show each other you're the bigger man and that you have shut your hearts off from ever getting hurt again?

I can't do this anymore. I love the both of you too much to stay and watch everything fall apart even further around us. I know the two of you still love each other, but you're both too busy using me as a weapon to work things out. I can't stay and be hurt and watch the two of you hurt and then hurt each other.

Maybe without me in the way, you guys can come to some sort of understanding or closure with each other. I will always love you both and wish you nothing but happiness. I hope you can both find someone that you can love as much as you can fight.

Don't try to find me. I've also left the ARC, so I wouldn't try to grill Connor or the others for information. Jenny doesn't know where I am, Hilary. Neither does Nick, Stephen.

I truly hope that the two of you can get past old hurts and find happiness some day -- before you lose more than you already have in your lives.

Love Always,
Abby

They found the letter at the same time, in Becker's flat, which was where the three of them had tended to spend the most time together. Becker picked the note up and read it, expression growing increasingly blank as he read.

When he finished, he turned and smacked the note against Stephen's chest. "I hope you're happy, Hart," he said, voice heavy. "Because that? Is all your fault, every bit of it."

Stephen grabbed the letter and re-read it, before giving Becker an angry look. "What the hell are you talking about? How is this my fault? You're the one with the issues."

"You're the one who came back!" Becker snapped. "You're the one who stayed around. You're the one who said he was going to take her from me!"

"I came back because you needed my help finding her! I stayed because she didn't want me to disappear again!" He slapped the note back at Becker.

Becker crumpled the note and let it fall. "Exactly. She wanted you to stay. I can't seem to avoid getting my life ruined by you, Stephen, and I'm sick of it." He hated the way his voice shook.

"She didn't want you to leave either, you moron. If I chased her away, you're just as guilty of it. You're always ready to pick a fight, no matter what! It doesn't surprise me that Abby didn't think you loved her any longer."

"I didn't trust you!" Becker snapped. "I didn't trust you not to break her heart or not to break mine again. I don't know why I thought we could make the three of us work, other than Abby wanted it and I would die before telling her no about anything."

"I know that I hurt her badly before and I was trying to be careful not to! And damn it, I know I messed up with you, but I've been trying to make up for it!" Stephen shook his head. "You really think that I would do something to hurt her after everything we went through to get her back? Do you really think that little of me?"

"Let's see... you left me in the middle of the night, so... yeah, I kinda do." He sighed. "No, I don't. I still think as highly of you as I always did. Except the problem is that I still love you as much as I always did. And I shouldn't. Because your hers now."

"Not according to that," Stephen said grumpily, looking at the letter that was crumpled on the floor. "According to that, I've lost both of you." Stephen shook his head and turned for the door. "We should do something."

The problem was, he couldn't focus on what to do. He had lost Becker long ago and had tried to get used to that. However, he had now lost Abby as well, and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to cope any longer.

"Stephen, wait," Becker said, reaching out to him before pulling his hand back. "We can't figure out any kind of plan if you leave. And how does that letter say you lost me? I'm right here, if you'd just say you love me and come back to me."

"Haven't I shown you that? All I've wanted to do since we got back from that anomaly was make things up to you and show you how much I loved you and regretted walking away from you. I knew my words wouldn't do a damn bit of good, not after so long." Stephen's voice caught as he tried to get everything out. "It doesn't matter what I feel or what I say now, Hil. We chased her off. How do I make up for costing you someone else you love?"

"Stay," Becker said, moving towards Stephen. "Stay and help me figure out how to get her back, that's how. You don't even have to stay in a relationship with me now that she's gone, if you don't want to. I know she was the thing holding us together. But stay in my life. Please."

"I wasn't staying only for Abby." He sighed. "I mean, yeah, at first it was because of her, because I love her and I didn't want to lose any part of her that I could have. But then I realized that I wanted to be with you, too, that I still loved you. Only, you hated me now. I deserved it, but that didn't make it any easier."

"I hated you, but I never stopped loving you," Becker admitted. "But by the time Abby and I got involved, I wasn't hurting as badly anymore. I didn't fall apart. I didn't cry. I didn't miss you so much it hurt."

"I hated myself every day for leaving you like that. I wanted to protect you from the person who was attacking everyone else and who I thought had caused the deaths of people I cared about. But I know now that I went about it all wrong." He let out a breath. "I'm glad that the two of you found each other and were happy. There's no one else that I would have picked for either one of you."

"Then why were you so determined to take away the person who made me happy?" His voice was quiet, sad, thoroughly unlike himself.

"Because there are times I can be a raging jackass and part of me hated you for being able to find and have what I couldn't. I wanted what you and Abby have." He let out a breath. "And, it weirded me out a little that I was in love with both of you. So, instead of bolting like I thought about doing, or being an adult about it... I lashed out."

"I'm not good with the lack of confidence thing," Becker said, reaching out to touch Stephen's face a moment before pulling his hand back. "You know that. So when you came in like that, all fierce determination... I loved the determination but hated what you were determined about."

"By the time I realized rationally that I really didn't want to hurt you, the two of us fighting and competing for her attention had become second nature. It was normal. Familiar."

"Will you stay tonight?" Becker asked quietly. "I don't particularly want to be alone right now."

Stephen was quiet for a moment before he nodded. "I'll stay." His shoulders were tight as he tried to suppress the fear he was feeling right now.

"And... just for future reference... unless you tossed them, you still have keys to my flat." He smiled sheepishly. "I never changed the locks. I was tempted to, but I never did. So if you ever can't take being alone... you can come camp out here with me."

Stephen started to respond and then closed his eyes tightly as his breath hitched. He was not going to break down, damn it, not right now. He couldn't do that to Becker. However, he couldn't help the anguish that swept through him. He and Becker were finally talking straight, finally working towards healing old wounds, but at what cost?

Becker pulled Stephen into his arms, holding the other man tightly. "It's going to be all right," he whispered. "It's going to be all right. We're going to figure out how to fix this and then we're going to get our Abby back. Whether she wants one or the other of us, or both of us, I'm going to figure out where she is for you. Because I can't stand to see you hurting like this."

"We broke her," he said against Becker's neck. "We broke her heart enough that she left us... and she's never run from anything in all the time I've known her." His voice was filled with self-loathing. "I did this to her. I'll do whatever she wants me to do, hell, I'll leave. I just need to know she's safe and that she's back with you where she belongs."

"Stephen, no. Don't say that. Because that's part of the problem." Becker pressed an absent kiss to Stephen's shoulder. "It's just us making her decisions for her again. If we bring her home and do that to her, it's just us completely missing her point."

"How can you be so calm?!" Stephen demanded, pulling back. "Don't you care that the woman you claim to be so in love with is hurting so badly that she ran away? Why aren't you reacting, planning, something?" Stephen blinked his eyes as he tried to stop the emotions from coming through. "We're standing here, making up, and the woman that caused us to come back in the same space together is out there somewhere!"

Becker couldn't help the hurt that flashed across his face. "Excuse me for worrying about you before worrying about myself," he said sharply. "Excuse me for caring more about your reaction than about how this is affecting me. Because what I want to do is fall apart, but can I? No! I'm the military man, so that means I'm the planner. I'm the one who has to figure it all out."

"I never said you had to be the one to figure it all out!" Stephen retorted, trying and failing not to lash out. "I don't expect you to come up with a plan all by yourself!" He stopped, fisting his hands in his hair. "I'm not good at any of this, damn it. She wasn't supposed to leave. She was supposed to stay with us and be safe and loved and I screwed that up."

"Yeah, you did," Becker snapped. He sighed. "But it's not like I didn't do my own share of screwing it up. Because I fell so hard for her and I went from that to fighting you for her. It obviously came across not at all the way I meant it. Which still wasn't the right thing, but... I wasn't trying to drive her away, I was trying to keep her because I can't imagine not having her in my life, and if she was yours... then I wouldn't have had her in my life. Not the way I want her there."

"When did it become more important for us to fight than to love her, Hilary? When did the two of us become such bloody idiots that we couldn't see what we were doing?" He frowned. "Don't answer that. I don't need to know when you thought I became that stupid. If I had known that I was hurting her like this, I would have backed off. I wouldn't have fought you so hard, because it wasn't supposed to be this way!" He stopped, trying to get his breath enough to think. "How did you want her there? In your life, I mean."

"I wanted her to spend the rest of her life with me," Becker said simply. "And if she was with you, I'd never get that."

Stephen stared at him. "You wanted her to marry you."

"I don't know." Becker shrugged. "Maybe. I hadn't really defined it that far. I just knew that I wanted forever."

"And then she disappeared in the anomaly and I showed up to complicate things all to hell for you." Stephen sighed. "She wanted us both... at least that's what her letter seems to have said. If I had known you wanted... no, that's not true. I probably still wouldn't have backed off. I love her like I love you."

"Yeah, you did. Only then Abby wanted the two of us and I couldn't very well tell her what I was thinking because she wouldn't have understood. She wanted us both. So I gave it a try and I found myself falling in love with you all over again, no matter how many times I wished I weren't." He blinked and looked at Stephen. "So you would have fought me for her anyway, even if you'd known I wanted to marry her?"

Way to latch onto the wrong part of that, Becker.

"I don't know," Stephen answered him honestly, because at this point, what did he have left to lose? "I've been in love with her for a long time -- almost as long as I have been with you. I walked away from everything once, cut and ran like I did with you. I don't know if I could have been selfless enough to watch the two of you make a future that didn't have me in it."

"I want you in it, Stephen," Becker said quietly. "I don't know if we could make it work, but I never stopped wanting you, either."

"We're idiots."

"If we get her back... if we can convince her... I'm laying it all out for her and letting her decide. And abiding by whatever that decision is."

"I... I can do that, too." It would hurt like hell to lose them, but he would do it.

"I love you, Stephen. Whatever else happens, whatever we go through trying to get her back where she belongs with us, never forget that."

"I know I have a shite way of showing it, but I never stopped loving you."

Becker smiled faintly. "In that case, you're going to stay tonight. We're going to start fixing what Abby said went wrong. And we're going to start figuring out where she is."

Stephen nodded tiredly and went over to pick up the letter that she had left for them. "Where could she have gone? She would never have contacted that bitch mother of hers, and she had no one else." No one else but them, and the ARC. "And she says she left the ARC? Damn it. She loved her job and the people there."

"Her brother, maybe?" Becker wondered aloud. "No, that'd be too easy. She'd know we'd think of him straight away."

"And Jack's an idiot."

"But he loves her something fierce. So he may be an idiot, but he'd fight us in a heartbeat if we hurt her. So... not him." Becker frowned thoughtfully. "She says Jenny and Nick don't know. Who else might?"

"She wouldn't have told Connor," Stephen admitted sadly. "She knows that he wouldn't have been able to stand a chance keeping a secret with the two of us. If she didn't tell Nick or Jenny then I don't know. She had to have told someone."

"This is going to sound crazy, but... what about Lester?" Becker wondered. "I mean, she knows we'd probably never think of him."

Stephen just stared at him. "She wouldn't." But there was a dawning realization in his eyes that maybe she would have. "She would have had to give him her resignation. But she wouldn't have told him why." He stared at the other man feeling a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Would she?"

"He's a smart man. Even if she didn't tell him, he'd have probably been able to figure out why," Becker said. "And if he knows that, then... I don't know. Maybe he'd have wanted her to tell him where she was going. He does care about his team, after all."

"But it's Lester and if he realizes that we hurt her enough that she left us and quit the ARC? He's not going to be too willing to help us find her and bring her back."

"No, but if you know how to read him, you can usually figure out what he's thinking."

Stephen ran a hand through his hair. "And you think you know how to read him?"

"I know how to read bureaucrats in general," Becker said with a mirthless smile. "There's one or two of them decorating the Becker family tree. The black sheep of the family, really, since we're mostly military. But enough time with them and I'm pretty sure I can tackle reading Lester."

"He's going to make this really difficult for us," Stephen mumbled. "He isn't that fond of me, but he adores Abby. Even I've seen it."

"I don't care how difficult he makes it," Becker said stubbornly. "We're going to get him to tell us whatever he knows."

Stephen looked at him and a small smile crossed his face momentarily before it disappeared. "I can honestly say that I hope you're right."

"You know me, Stephen. I'm a stubborn bastard. Learned from the best."

Stephen winced a little. "The stubborn part or the bastard part?" Clearly this was important right now.

"Both." There was something resembling affection in his voice, though, as he said it.

"Good to know I'm well-rounded," he muttered, but there was no heat in his voice.

"Under different circumstances, I would be leering at you for that."

He swallowed and looked at Becker. "Promise me we'll find her because I need to know that one of us believes that." And damn it, he hated admitting he was this scared.

"We'll find her, Stephen," Becker promised. "I don't know how long it's going to take, but we're going to find her. We're going to find her and we're going to get her back. Because I don't know how the three of us are supposed to fit together, but I know it sure as hell isn't like this."

Stephen nodded, letting out a breath. "Thank you for that."

"You're welcome," Becker said quietly.

He leaned against the wall, looking from Becker to the letter that was all they had left of Abby right now, and then back again. "Connor is going to be angry as hell at us, you know?" It wasn't the best thing to say, but he was grasping at anything to fill the emptiness he was feeling right now.

"Yeah, he is," Becker said with a slight nod.

"I don't know Dr. Page that well, but I know what Jenny is going to probably do to us if she can." He sighed. "Of course, Nick will just give us both that sad, disappointed look and try not to say anything to make us feel worse." He shook his head. "You think Quinn will try to shoot me?"

"It's always possible," Becker said trying for a casual shrug and failing.

"He's not exactly my biggest fan," Stephen said dryly. "He's very loyal to you, a good friend to have."

"He's a good man. A bit... unorthodox, but it works for him."

"He's a bit barmy."

Becker let out a startled laugh. "That's not the first time he's been called that."

"He's kind of possessive of Abby when I'm around and you're not," he said quietly. "He really doesn't like me, does he?"

"No, he doesn't," Becker said honestly. "You hurt her. He doesn't like anybody who hurts her."

"I didn't mean to hurt her. Hell, I didn't mean to hurt you. But when I thought she was dead because of Helen, and then found out she wasn't? I couldn't take things for awhile. Nick told me that she thought I saw her as a bad memory of a life I was trying to leave behind when I came to help track her." He sighed. "She brings out the protective instincts in people whether she needs to be protected or not, doesn't she?" He closed his eyes because he didn't want Becker to see how close he was to tears.

"She does," Becker agreed. "It's all I've ever wanted to be able to do for her."

"She deserves that. Her family... they were shite to her. I gathered that from the things she said and didn't say. I think that was always why she took so many risks."

"Because she wanted to feel alive and she wanted to find someone who'd care about her."

"I don't think she knew she had that until you. God knows I had never said anything to her about it."

"I was never very good at telling her how I felt, though," Becker said. "I just hope she knew how much I cared."

"I thought she did," Stephen said miserably. "I really thought she knew until we read that."

"Tell me I'm not completely screwed up," Becker said, his voice shaking now. "Tell me there isn't something wrong with me."

Stephen's eyes widened. "What? Why would you think that?"

"I drove her away, Stephen. And for the longest time, I thought I'd driven you away."

"No!" Stephen burst out, moving from the wall and grabbing the other man by his arms. "You did not drive me away. I was a bloody fool. I left you because I couldn't handle anything at the time." He shook him gently. "And you did not drive Abby away. If anyone is to blame for this, it's me. But we're going to find her and you're going to get her back because she loves you."

"She loves you, too." And for maybe the first time, there wasn't a trace of fear in his voice when he said those words.

Stephen leaned his forehead against the other man's. "I know. And I can't stop hurting her with it, it seems. I can't stop hurting you, either."

"You haven't hurt me lately," Becker whispered. "You're figuring it out, Stephen. And so am I."

"You didn't do anything wrong between you and I those years ago, Hilary. You need to know that. I thought Abby had been killed by Helen. I panicked. I thought if she could kill Abby because of me, she could find and kill you, too. When I left you, I didn't know yet that Abby was alive. I didn't want to put you at risk, too."

"But why didn't you come back to me when you found out she was alive?" Becker asked, bringing a hand up to cup Stephen's neck.

"Because I was afraid that Helen would come after you if she knew I loved you, too." He sighed. "She tried to kill the woman Nick loved. Then made me believe Abby was dead. I couldn't let her do it to you."

"You idiot." Becker was laughing through tears. "Do you realize that's the first time you've ever actually told me that?"

"It is?"

"You've told me you didn't want me to end up getting killed, too, but that's the first time you said it and made it sound like I was important to you."

"You were. I wanted to keep you save and alive from Helen."

"It was so confusing at the time, though. Because I didn't know anything about that. All I knew was that the man I loved had skipped out on me in the middle of the night."

"I wasn't exactly thinking clearly."

"No, you weren't," Becker said, reluctant to pull away from Stephen. This was as close as they'd been in a long time. They'd been intimate, yes, but there had still been a distance.

"I thought she had killed one love of mine," Stephen sighed. "I didn't want her to make you number two."

"I was young and stupid and thought you left because of me not doing something or not saying something or not being enough. I needed to know it wasn't my fault."

"I'm sorry, Becker," Stephen said quietly. "I was so wrapped up in my own pain and in my own mind that I didn't stop to think about how it could look to you."

"Promise me," Becker said. "Promise me that when... if... you leave me again, you'll tell me why this time."

Stephen nodded without stopping to think about it. "If that happens, you'll get a reason. I owe you that much."

And that was when Becker finally pulled away, already trying to distance himself. Because to him, that response hadn't been a denial that Stephen would leave. It'd been a confirmation of it.

Stephen groaned in frustration. None of this night was going well. They found out they had broken the girl they loved more than anything and caused her to leave them. Add to that the fact that he couldn't seem to say the right thing.

"I'm only leaving if you or Abby tell me to," he finally said, watching Becker.

There could be no mistaking the way Becker's eyes lit up at that, and he knew it. "I can't speak for her, because doing that is part of what got us into this mess, but I know I'm never telling you to leave."

Some of the tension left Stephen's shoulders. Not all of it, but some of it. "So it doesn't bother you any longer that I'm in love with both of you? That I don't plan to hurt either one of you again?"

"I just want to be happy, Stephen. With both of you."

"That's what I want, too, Becker. That's all I've wanted since we got her back from that anomaly. A life, with the two of you."

"It didn't feel like that."

"Yeah, well, I can be a bastard at times. I'm not always the best at saying what needs to be said. And, it did feel like the only one that wanted me here was Abby." He sighed. "So, it was easier to fight with you than admit that I was hurting over you not wanting me around -- even though I deserved it."

"The only reason I fought with you, Stephen, is because you'd told me you were going to take my girlfriend away from me. Even after it was the three of us, it still felt sometimes like it was you trying to take her away."

"I think part of me was for a time there." And God, he felt like an ass for admitting. "But Becker, I realized not too long after that no one was going to be able to take Abby away from you."

Becker stepped back, half in shock and half in anger. "So you gave in and stayed with the two of us because it was the only way you could have her?"

"You really are an idiot sometimes," Stephen said, but there was no bite in his words this time. "At first, I came back here for that reason. Later, though, I realized that I didn't want to walk away from you again, either. If the only way I could be a strong part of your life was to constantly fight with you..."

"I'm sorry," Becker said quietly. "I know I haven't been at all easy to deal with. You haven't, either, but I... certainly haven't helped the equation any."

"We're a pair of arseholes," Stephen said quietly.

Becker laughed, but there wasn't any humor to it. "Yeah. Yeah, we are."

"We fucked up big time on this."

"But we'll make it right. Maybe it'll take time, but we'll make it right."

Stephen scrubbed his hands over his face. "God. I hope so. Because I can't stand to think about the idea of you losing her." He swallowed. "Or of me losing her."

"We haven't lost her forever," Becker said gently. "Just for a little while. And that means we can get her back."

"I don't know what I'll do if we don't. I really can't imagine that kind of future." He closed his eyes. "You and her."

"Here's what we're going to do, Stephen," Becker said, his voice still gentle. "We're going to stop thinking about this for just long enough to eat dinner, because we can't let ourselves go just because she's gone. And then we're going to start figuring out how to get her back."

"I don't think I could eat anything right now, Hilary. I just can't. I keep thinking about how she must be feeling."

"You're going to try, though," Becker said. "You're going to try and I'm... going to start figuring out where she might be."

Oh yes, Becker was more worried about Stephen than about himself.

"When was the last time you ate anything?"

"This morning, when I had breakfast." Which had been quick and on the go.

"And it's what, nearly midnight now? You should eat something."

Becker shook his head. "I'll eat later. I don't see myself sleeping much tonight."

"The feeling is mutual."

"Please, Stephen? I can't help her right now, let me worry about you instead."

Stephen looked down, fighting the tears that he wanted to hide from the other man. He knew that sometimes the best way Becker coped was by taking care of those around him while his mind worked. So for that reason, he nodded. Right now, he'd do whatever he could to make things easier for the other man.

"Go crash on the couch," Becker directed. "I'll make you something simple."

"Yeah. All right." Stephen made his way slowly into the living room and sat down on the couch. When he was sure that he was out of the other man's sight, he buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking from the strain of holding back his sobs. He had ever only felt like this once before, and he had never expected he would go through it again.

A couple minutes later, Becker was making his way back into the living room with a plate -- holding two sandwiches and a bit of salad -- when he saw Stephen. He set the plate down and sat on the couch, wrapping an arm around the other man and pulling him close. He didn't say a word, wouldn't call attention to it, just held Stephen and let him cry.

It took Stephen a few moments to realize that he was being held, but when he did, he didn't even think of pulling away. He needed this comfort right now every bit as much as Becker needed to see him letting go for once.

"I love you," Becker whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Stephen's head. "I love you so much and I hate seeing you hurting right now, because there's nothing I can do to make it go away. I can't bring her back."

"I should be trying to comfort you," Stephen whispered, not moving away. "You're hurting just as much and all I can do right now is fall apart on you."

"You're letting me try and comfort you, though," Becker said. "You're not pushing me away or saying things that hurt so I'll push you away. You're letting me hold you and you're crying in front of me. You're letting me in, Stephen."

He raised his hand to grip Becker's arm, making sure he kept a hold of him as he gave up fighting against letting Becker see the tears on his face.

Becker held Stephen close, letting the other man cry. He himself wanted to cry, but it wouldn't do either of them any good. He was the strong one just then. Later it'd be his turn to fall apart, but for now it was Stephen's.

It took awhile, but Stephen finally cried himself out and sighed sadly as he rested against Becker. "I probably should be embarrassed at falling apart like that, but I just can't be."

"Abby would tell you to never be embarrassed at letting out your emotions."

"If we find her and get her to come back, I'll never hide them from either of you again," he promised. "I won't hide them from you even if we..." He couldn't finish that thought. They would get her back, damn it. They would.

They had to.


Two.

Comments

[aoifes_isle]

**huggles the silly boys**

[darkhorse-99.livejournal.com]

With a title like that I thought it was gonna be *really* sad. *kicks the boys* Chase Abby! Get on it!